Adventures in pregnancy: Why can’t I have ice cream for breakfast?

Tomorrow morning I have the dreaded glucose test to make sure I don’t have gestational diabetes.  It’s a rite of passage every pregnant woman comes to know well.  Whether you pass or fail, one thing holds true…it is a miserable experience at best.  There are many great benefits to being pregnant the second time around, like knowing what to expect at your appointments, having less anxiety about the changes in your body, having a bit of a preview of what is about to happen and how you handle the nine month journey.  BUT…there’s also the double-edged sword of knowing all the well, not so pleasant stuff that people don’t like to talk about…like how miserable the final weeks can be, the gross factor of all that comes postpartum (you know what I’m talking about – mesh panties, lochia, brick like pads, that first bowel movement), and of course…the glucose screening test.

What is so bad about the routine glucose screening test you may wonder…well…let me tell you.  Basically, you have to chug what looks like a small bottle of a sugary drink in less than five minutes.  For someone with a sweet tooth that tries not to indulge too often so as to not have my rear end be the size of texas…with my first pregnancy, I thought, awesome – Dr. sanctioned sugar.

I was wrong.  Very wrong.  It is disgusting.  Actually, disgusting doesn’t even do it justice.  You have to choke it down like bad medicine flavored syrup.  And then spend an hour feeling like you might barf or pass out waiting to have your blood drawn.  It’s super fun.  Then your sugar crashes and you are jittery as heck.  And like many things in women’s health (i’m talking about you mr. speculum – cause you know a man invented that) I can’t help but wonder…why is there not a better way?!

Like for example…if I need to eat a crap ton of sugar in five minutes why can’t it at least taste good??

Why can’t I just down some fro yo?  Or a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup?  Or maybe a big fat brownie?  I mean seriously why does it need to be that vile liquid?  If I’m going to waste some calories on pure sugar…it should at least be worth it and taste damn good.

Perhaps that will be my life’s work – creating a viable alternative to the horrid glucose drink.  Some decadent, sweet, yet controlled shot of sugar that keeps the test accurate AND pregnant mamas happy to oblige.  I mean seriously pregnant women should count down the days until they get to eat 50g of sugar for medical purposes instead of dreading the day.

Here is a list of 5 horrible things I would rather chug than that hideous glucose drink:

1. Green Juice – and not the good kind with like lots of apple and lemon to pretend like you aren’t just drinking liquified dirt and earth…I’m talking kale with spinach and some other super green greens that taste well…”super healthy”
2. Black Coffee – ok..I actually LOVE black coffee…but these days caffeine makes my heart race like I’m on speed and I shake like a crack addict if I accidentally sip some non-decaf coffee…but I’d rather experience that than the glucose test
3. Milk – i get it, some people might like milk…I am not one of those.  Unless it’s the milk that has had coco puffs sitting in it for 20 minutes and thus just tastes like chocolate, milk is no bueno…not to mention what it does to my insides is no bueno…but again…way better than the glucose sludge
4. Bone Broth – If you have ever had bone broth…you know it’s nasty…super healthy…but also vile at best.
5. Flat Sparkling Water – if you’ve never left a glass of sparkling water on the counter and then a couple of hours later forgot that it was once sparkling and tossed it back…you know how gross it is.  But still….better than the glucose nonsense.

And wishful thinking…here are 5 ways I would rather get the required 50g of sugar into my body:

1. Ice cream
2. 3 Slices of watermelon
3. A king size snickers bar (I don’t know when the last time I ate a legit candy bar was…I imagine it would be glorious)
4. 2 1/2 Chocolate chip cookies (like fresh out of the oven with the dough still a little soft and the chocolate a little melted)
5. French toast with powdered sugar and syrup

But alas…tomorrow I will wake up and chug my refrigerated 50 g of glucose.  I won’t enjoy it.  I will hopefully not vomit.  And hopefully pass my glucose test – because well…as much as gestational diabetes would suck…I really just don’t want to have to take the 3 hour follow-up test which I hear is worse than the first.

But seriously…does anyone know why I can’t just have ice cream for breakfast?