Dear Baby,
Your lease is up. Please note that you have exactly three days to vacate or I will be forced to take more drastic actions to remove you from the premises. I will say you have been a satisfactory resident during your time in utero. However in the last month of your stay you have had several infractions that make it necessary for you to move out. I am willing to overlook your earlier infractions: nausea, headaches, anxiety and an overall increase in the size of my ass. However, lately you have become somewhat hostile. I feel as if you are intentionally kicking and punching my insides – my bladder in particular (I’m assuming you will repair any damage prior to move-out and leave the residence as it was upon move in). I realize that you claim hiccups are involuntary…but I am a little skeptical that you only have said “involuntary” activity between the hours of 2 and 4 am. Just saying – it’s a little suspicious. I also do not appreciate the heavy exhausted feeling you have spread through the residence as well as the undeniable fact that you have altered the facade of the premises to resemble some form of giant marine mammal – a whale or manatee perhaps.
I have done all that I can to assist with your move out: long walks, gentle bouncing on the birth ball, yoga, spicy food, pedicures, massage and other let’s just call them “adult activities” You have been less than cooperative. So, I am writing to let you know that you have approximately a 3 day grace period before more drastic “assistance” is considered: acupuncture, sweeping membranes, and castor oil cocktails.
I promise you that we (your father and I) have found you a much more luxurious residence (see photos below) where you will be loved beyond imagination and given everything you need and then some. There are lots of people who are eagerly awaiting your arrival, so please don’t waste time. Your new place comes fully furnished and all utilities are already set up and paid for. I love you and can’t wait to meet you…BUT…you need to MOVE OUT NOW!
With insane amounts of love,
your mom
